Today marks the fourth year that this blog has been running, and it has been quite an eventful year. A lot has come to an end, such as the first drafts of "Kuna Zero: A Wanderer's Tale" and "A Plead to Iris" in April, as well as "the Wanderer's Journal" over the summer. A friendship has ended, a relationship, and the lives of some loved ones. It has been a difficult year for many of my family members. Those who survived have to face now an irreparable absence as well as those who are having trouble coping. A lot of mistakes have been made, and there has been a whirlwind of emotion.
But a year so full of death, destruction, and suffering is bound to find itself possessing exuberant life, creation, and joy. Sometimes pain brings people together and unites them in a way that fights back against the pain. After all, in the darkest night, people create their own light. And with that said, I will speak more about the year, starting from the beginning.
My return to university after the month long break was welcomed passionately, as the lack of a schedule had driven me to irregularity and boredom. That being said, when I returned to my room in residence, I found out that things had changed. It wasn't an immediate obvious change, but one that had taken place within the people there, including myself. My room had somehow become home and an appropriate workplace in which I would work the most in. I returned to my hermit habits and found myself making daily trips to the on-campus chapel as my Divine and Ultimate Concern class questioned the nature of the Infinite and posited the notion of the Calling.
As for my writing, I did the same as in the fall, which was characterized by reflecting on my past and giving it expression as well as writing about new characters that I had developed in the fall. I remembered and reflected on the experiment I had undertaken a year prior, although I had been seemingly blind to the mistake I had made. "The Daughter of Athena" (my NaNo novel of 2013) began as being about a friend. When I first started it, I was curious as to how the process of fictionalization would function with a living friendship. While the novel itself did go on to ignore its root inspiration, I satisfied my curiosity. The fictionalization began destroying the friendship by placing a barrier between us. Gradually it intensified, got worse, and the words once exchanged were lost to an unbearable silence and recognition that I had created it. And unlike the experiment, this person was aware and more or less engaged in what was happening. My stupidity caused for them to suffer and for this I am truly sorry.
But that is only the beginning of the year, really, although that particular story found its true end in this past fall. When summer came around, or rather summer break when I would return to Aylmer, I was working hard on my writing until camp NaNoWriMo ended. Once it did, I fell into a near insanity from the lack of work, only to be pulled out of it by an eventful week, beginning with a synchronized event and peaking at the crash. From there on, it's a storm of emotion.
In the wake of death, I got lost pursuing a light I thought was eternal (see "The Frustrating and Mysterious Spark"), but the truth became apparent when it was swallowed up by the mere concept of distance. I almost found myself again, only to be thrown right back into that pursuit to try and cope with a new change. It disappeared again, but this time with an awakening, a return to myself. But that whole time, my pen scribbled about Love, praising it for its strength, for its light. Although as much as I wanted to call it truly infinite, I always found it lacking somehow. Once I remembered this, the storm quieted, submitted to that power I've always felt guiding me, and gave me up.
Now, as I look back on the past four years and compare myself to the teenager who started this blog, I wonder how things will be next year, how things will change, and how wrong my future self will think I am. Ah well, he'll probably think I'm trivial as well. But that is for another time. Take care. Until next time,
-Zero
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